People tend to over-explain when they feel that there has been a miscommunication, or even lack of communication from one side, especially in the situations when communication and understanding is of vital importance, and we can't just leave or give up that easily.
Simply put, people tend to over-explain when they feel that they haven’t been heard and that their truth has been ignored. And the hard fact is - that is usually exactly the case. When that happens people experience a sort of a trauma, and over-explaining comes as a consequence of it.
I have been there. Thinking that if I only use different words, different phrasing, maybe they would hear me. However, if someone does not hear you with normal communication, they would hear you even less when you use more words.
Instead of writing long emails or executing long monologues with carefully picked sophisticated words, we could say only 4 words, for example: "I don't feel heard". 4 words ! Instead of one full page long email, or 20 minutes long monologue. And if those 4 words are not understood, and are not clear to them, and even if they are not interested to hear them, it doesn't matter how many words we use to try to explain it, they are not going to help. If that simple message is not heard, well then, I know that I have done everything I could. The rest is up to them.
Besides, when we over-explain the majority of people's brains go into a 'summary mode' - they skim over our emails or filter what we say according to what THEY believe is important, from their perspective, often missing the key points and the things that actually ARE important. Even when they should not, and even if/when it is their job to know us and pay attention to every single detail in order to help us.
Most of the time misunderstandings are around different perspectives which are not clear to either side if not communicated through. Yes, initial explaining is necessary and it can help, but if we feel that we should explain one thing over and over again, then we have never been heard, and most probably the other side never made the necessary effort or the correct effort or has the ability to hear and understand our perspective and to meet us half way. Or to communicate theirs.
The problem often starts when we try to communicate and connect with people who are not actually able or capable to know us or connect with us at the level needed or the level that situation requires. This is one of the most frustrating things that we have to accept about the world, but it is how it is --> not everyone can resonate with who we are, at the level we are at !
Let’s make things clear. I do not say that we should not communicate or explain, share our thoughts and feelings etc. with others. We should by all means work on honing our communication skill as it is very important skill to have in those situations when communication is needed and fully accepted. What I am saying is that we should not try to endlessly explain one thing when just once would and should be enough, to see where we are at with that person.
So what is the solution ? It is simple - just state your truth once ! ONCE ! If they are able to hear it, and respond to it, they will. If not – time to part ways without regretting a single thing. We cannot MAKE people hear us. We cannot make people resonate with us. We cannot make people become good communicators. We cannot make people be more open or more sensitive. We cannot make people see what they are not able to see. We cannot make anyone become anything they are not. It is very simple.
State your truth once and let it ring. It will resonate with those who are able to hear it.
From a mentor-mentoree perspective situation is somewhat different. If a student or a mentoree has a tendency to over-explain themselves, it only means that we should start to listen better, as maybe, we are the only ones who do. Increase our attentiveness and search for reasons why they are doing it, and pay attention to details in their communication with us. And most importantly, stay open to their perspective, their needs, and what is important to them. What we can discover and achieve as a consequence is creating a safe atmosphere for them to express themselves fully, have better communication and understanding, forge stronger bond, and create lasting relationship with overall better conditions for their full authentic development, as artists and as people.
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